BELONGING (MEMOIR)

So wanted to belong

Would watch the Hare Krishnas

Dancing and chanting in the streets

Selling books at the airport

Ignoring the verbal abuse and laughter

From onlookers

Wondered how I’d look with a shaved head

In a saffron robe…

So wanted to belong

Would watch Dead Heads

Dancing to the music of

The Grateful Dead

Ship of the Sun

Lighting the way

Dead Heads

Off their heads

Tripping on acid

But was scared

So sure LSD

Would never let me

Return again…

So wanted to belong

Watching marginal groups

Who at least had each other

With me,

Something wrong

But didn’t know what

Just didn’t fit in

No internet to explain

Why I’d never belong

Anywhere…

Then had a name

Autism Spectrum Disorder

Whatever that meant

So in the end

I just stayed me

Imperfect, somewhat lost

But eventually learned

That belonging is often

Spurious, at best…

Nevertheless

Still can’t see myself

The Reality

Haunting me

Still think differently

But not radically

I do wish, though

That I knew

What’s real…

© 2020 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

IMAGES:  Hare Krishnas and Dead Heads