autism

QUANTUM JAUNT ELSEWHERE

Road trip through the Route 66 of space
Wending my way among
Suns, Moons and Stars
A need to escape
My once-quiet swamp
Now juxtaposed with a mini-highway of
Muffler-less Harleys
Road rage screech of auto horns
Sirens
Sirens
Sirens
Want to move
Maybe to the Multiverse
Sensory deprivation needed
At least two hours a day
Move somewhere
Where
E=MC squared
Multiplied by good fortune
Equaling
Poet Laureate of the Galaxy
Might as well throw in
Grammy winner
But I’ll take anything new
To escape the
Schrodinger’s Cat feeling
Of not knowing whether
I’m alive or dead
An atom
A photon
Existing in multiple states
So with pack on my back
Seeking the secret of being
A social maven
Needing a place
In way-out space
Perhaps on a planet where
Autism rules…

 

magical quantum equation amulet

(c) 2018 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)
IMAGES: QUANTUM EQUATION ELSEWHERE / QUANTUM AMULET

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NEURODIVERSE ROMP

(WITH YANG HUI, PASCAL & DURER)

ONE

Feel like I wandered into
Pascal’s Triangle
Me, a rogue number
In my Neurodiverse way
Destroying binomial coefficients
While other numbers roll their
Equivalent to human eyes
They boot me out
And I fall into Yang Hui’s Triangle
Discovered centuries before Pascal’s
The coefficients here
Are more polite
Maybe they’re rolling their eyes
But the number beside me
Suggests I’d be happier
Checking out Yang Hui’s
Magic Square or Circles

TWO

I was so awful at Geometry
Although loving numbers and
The math magic of number 9
But here I am
Welcomed by the Magical All
And I wonder
If we on the Spectrum stepped out of Math
And into the reality of Neurotypicals
If our tribe would find
A benign but blind group
Who never roll their disdainful eyes
But do try
To accept
Our contact
How would that be…?

THREE

Then I sigh
Remembering Albrecht Durer’s
Melencolia I
His woodcut always stuck with me
Because could swear he used my mother’s face
As model for his sad winged woman
(My artist crush never displaced)
And I look at the Magic Square on the wall
Adding up to thirty-four
Yang Hui’s centuries before
And the hopelessness
Of fitting the wrong number
Into a perfect Magic Square
And know we’ll never really fit into
The Society we crave
The friends whose
Open or secret condescension
Surfaces when we try to behave
Exactly like them…

(c) 2018 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)
IMAGE: 1514 A. Durer’s Melencolia I / Magic Square / Mission Galactic Freedom

 

albrecht-durer.jpg!Portrait

THINGS THAT AREN’T THERE

WORK/SONG IN PROGRESS (NEEDS LOTS OF WORK)

(ANOTHER AUTISM POEM/FOLKSONG)

note to me: chorus ?

Things that aren’t there
Life often unfair
Reverse imagination
An unaware incantation
Impossible at times to overcome
For some of us on the Spectrum

note to me: do I want to rhyme the verses traditionally or chaotically?

Can’t make myself
Get on that train again
Happened months ago
Can’t let it go

Thought I saw a small trash can
Next to coffee shelf
Tossed my uneaten sandwich
Porter flipped out, upset my mental health

Can’t make myself
Get on another plane
Body search in my long dress
Made me feel like an embarrassed mess

Can’t go around huge crowds no more
Walked into an ad board not on a door
How’d it get there, I asked, rubbing my head
Knew I should just stay in bed

Can’t cross streets, haven’t learned
To watch for cars when talking
Friend saved me when we were young
No one there now when I’m walking

chorus

Things that aren’t there
Life often unfair
Reverse imagination
Is an invisible conjuration
Impossible at times to overcome
For some of us on the Spectrum

Autistic brains can perform magic
An unaware incantation
I’ve taught myself to think first
And not lose my concentration

There’s a secret door to the attic
Dusty, yet brimming with bling
Often difficult to let it shine
But I know the effort is mine

What came first, I wonder
The Princess or the Pea
Mounds of moldy mattresses
Brain on Silly Putty

The pea’s an irritation
Like pearls to the oyster
Sensitivity crazes me
Just lock me in a cloister

I guess I want you all to know
Autism comes in many colors
I’ve shared mine with you today
It’s sometimes painful but mostly okay

chorus

Things that aren’t there
Life often unfair
Reverse imagination
Is an invisible conjuration
Impossible at times to overcome
For some of us on the Spectrum

(c) 2018 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)
IMAGE: CS & fallen Florida Black Vulture perch

 

 

 

NEW POETRY BOOK

The paperback edition of my newest book Xeriscaping Poetry (A Wild Mellowing) is now available on Amazon for $6 with B&W photos. The Kindle edition is $1.99 and the photos are in color. Although I edited and redid the photos, some of them are not centered and I made the decision to leave them as is since there is some inconsistency with the Kindle Beta Program for paperback. I do want to thank Karen Bruton for her invaluable help with my book cover. I will NEVER understand how to change the DPI despite her meticulous instructions! Here is the link:

 

 

FIRST MEETING

 

Bestowing quirkiness
Should I show my best?
Try to impress?
Your face reveals
Flickers of annoyance
Boredom
Yet can’t stop
Self-putdowns
Weight, wrinkles
Evanescing clown
Embarrassed
Look at my lap
Hearing your sigh
I mustn’t cry
But then you say
Now that your self-negativity
Is swept away
We can be ourselves
I’m part of your tribe
Whatever the experts think
Caused our different social vibe
Let’s compare creative moments
Occurring every day
What thoughts you bring
To first light of morning
How to deal with chores
Interrupting the lures of fun
And I smile
Looking you full in the eyes
Knowing now you won’t spout lies
Or serve warmed-over pity
Just willingness to share
How witty
You can be
Expecting me
To respond in kind
Truly interested in my mind
No worry about words shallow
Like one so callow
Both our hearts aligned…

(c) 2017 Clarissa Simmens
IMAGE: flamingos in swamp palm tree

NO-WAKE ZONE

 

Red-right-returning
Channel markers
Red and green
Confusion sets in
For someone like me
Who has a reversed compass
In the brain
My life, then
Has been a slow movement
Fearful of attracting attention
The making of a wake
Sloshing the water
Best to obey
Don’t make waves, they say
But by the time it is okay
To speed up and get someplace
The tide is out
The boat is low
Knee-high
Tow with a rope
All is pull and push
Always that much more
Difficult
By land or water
By air or even fiery balloon
Easy does it
Shuffle-shuffle
Never make a wake…

(c) 2017 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

ASPIE ASPECT

The Aspie aspect of me
Conjures up scenarios
Twisting and turning
Through my neurodiversity
Sometimes making them real
They’re so logically true
But when up against
Neurotypicality
So-called reality
Tells me I’m wrong
Am I? I ask myself
How do we know
What is below
The river’s surface?
How do we decide
If there be dragons
Who comfortably abide
In the corners of the world?
Is it a lie?
Maybe I’m neuroacceptant…

(c) 2017 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)
IMAGE: James E. Grey Preserve Withlachascotee River

ASPIE-LITERAL

 

(A poem for parents who wonder what some of us spectrumites see in our minds)

 

*scroll down for a YouTube video*

 

Asperger’s

Literal thinking

Go back in time

Decades piled up

Like plastic Legos

Pre-Google

No A to Z Song Lyrics

Rarely bought a record

Or tape or even an

Eight-track

Moody Blues singing

Nights in White Satin

I’m so visual

I sing the song

Along with them

FM radio days

Seeing a knight

Glinting metal armor covered by a

White satiny tunic

Perhaps with a red cross

Like a Knight Templar

(Hmmm, did they even have satin back then?)

Clunking around the castle’s

Cold stone floors

White satin flapping

And I wonder

Why is a knight

In white

The subject of a song?

 

© 2017 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

IMAGE: caballeroscuro Knight Templar

 

https://youtu.be/9muzyOd4Lh8  Moody Blues Nights in White Satin

RAINY NIGHT IN GEORGIA (Another Autistically Clueless Memoir)

 

*scroll down for a YouTube video*

 

First flight

Eighteen

Philly to New Orleans

Meeting the love-of-my-life

Stationed in Biloxi

Due in at 11 pm

Nemesis fog

Flight forced to land

In Atlanta, Georgia

Here’s the terrible confession

Autistic mind clacking away

Didn’t hear what stewardess saying

Just kept thinking

Will he know my flight’s delayed

Will he wait

Went into the bathroom

Forgot about the luggage

Exited to a side gateway

Dark and empty

Nothing but faux leather

Benches

Ashtrays

Locked in!

Back to the bathroom

Called my mom

From a phone booth

She said just lie down on a bench

Sleep

As if

Can’t even sleep in my bed for more than an hour

Smoked the entire night

Danced and sang in the dark

No jet noises

All grounded

Just smoggy fog

Peering at me

Right outside the observatory windows

Sang alphabetically

Baez, Beatles, Dylan

Sang all the way to the Zombies

(Well no one told me about her…)

Personnel shocked the next morning

When I asked for my luggage

And a flight to New Orleans

Could see their stares

Could see them glancing at each other

But not sure what it all meant

Hustled me on a plane

Served me coffee

But by then I was shivering

Scratchy throat

Landed to the sound of my name

He was there, waiting for me

So was my luggage

We walked on Canal Street

Ate at Top of the Mark

Back to the hotel

I fell

Into a feverish sleep

Didn’t wake until

The next day

Felt better

He gave me his Air Force wings

How I loved him

How I don’t understand

Why I didn’t wait the four years for him

How I hope he had a good life

A good wife

And that’s what I did

On my trip to New Orleans

When I was eighteen

And unknowingly

Autistic and clueless

Yet able to survive…

 

© 2017 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

IMAGE: USAF Rank Pin, Pinterest

 

*YouTube video Brook Benton, Rainy Night in Georgia https://youtu.be/bDRbF80NKDU