loneliness

THROUGH A GLASS, AUTISTICALLY…

Woke up from a dream

Lifetime-long

A Blues-in-the night song

Relief, at first, remembering

And being re-diagnosed

Autistic

It all came back

The 80s therapist

Son is autistic

So are you

Not much info

Denial

Dream-time

About me

Would, of course,

Want to encourage him

Although I felt it was merely

Creativity

Now, now I accept

My uniqueness

Hah! Good synonym for loneliness

For being pelted

With rolling eyes

Impatient sighs

And me

Living in the dream

That I was just like you

And you

And you

But no

But no, not true

But no, please

No pity

No lies

I yawned and stretched

Got out of bed

And heard the truth

Inside my head

Where do I go from here…?

© 2017 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

IMAGE: November Selfie

HEARTS OF PALM

 

Flaming flamingos

Content in their colonies

Monogamously settled

While I fly

To the edge of a swamp

Finding amongst riotous,

Deciduous trees

A lone palm

Said to conceal the cure

For a broken heart

Inside the bark

Sleeps a mystery

Magic elixir

Hearts of palms

Calling to me

Musically

Strip away the wood

Revealing vulnerable vegetation

Intent on the source

I miss the landing

At last look up

There you are

Smiling down at me

Musically

Singing

Share your heart

And I know it’s a start

For capturing

Elusive love…

 

© 2017 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

IMAGE: Flamingos seeking solace in my swamp

UNDERLYING STORY OF MY LIFE (to be chorded)

 

I’ve been homeless

And I’ve been hungry

Often thought, “If only”

Mostly, I’ve been so lonely

Useless as Lantana

 

Although for many years lived on nuts and fruit

Would never refuse meat hunted for food

My life spattered with many regrets

Loneliness the result of relationship upsets

 

Dream house never a reality

Drove broken-down cars or rode subways

Clothing from thrift stores helped get jobs

Been so alone, my music merely unending sobs

 

Where is my home I often wonder

Spent too many years searching for love

Lonely, unwilling iconoclast

An abandoned, forsaken, outcast

 

If you think, though, I’m depressed

I’ll tell you my secret through the years

A self-reflective sense of humor

Has saved me from being a gloom-and-doomer

 

I’ve been homeless

And I’ve been hungry

Often thought, “If only”

Mostly, I’ve been so lonely

Useless as Lantana…

 

© 2017 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

UNTENDED

 

Two years of an unappreciated garden

Now all gone to unremitting green and brown

How I long for reds and blues

The day sobs out for vibrancy

Need something rare as a hummingbird

Spotted without tear-stained spectacles

Porky-Pig-pink flowers reaching for the sun

But it all takes work

Fertilizer brings relief while wrecking aquifers

So sandy soil

Once the bottom of the Gulf

Holds out for salty seaweeds

Blooming algae

Leaving me a blistering memory

Of our once-fertile

Yet fantasy-driven

Love

Impatient for reality,

Should have known it would be

Achingly

Nutrient-poor

And empty…

 

© 2017 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

IMAGE:  John Everett Millais – Ophelia

IRRECONCILABLE

 

The alluring variance of light

Delightful dawn to mystical night

 

Get-serious workaday sun

Incandescent moon signifying fun

 

Winter solstice shortest day

Summer solstice, eternal play

 

Sizzling lightning sparks the rains

Yet mist silences while vision strains

 

Morning music like a hymn

But atonal hints surface to the brim

 

Our love hot as an ungrounded wire

Losing you becomes unending hell’s fire

 

Sun will always rise, will always set

How many moons until I can forget?

 

Me! Me! Fighting misanthropy!

Trusting no one, how can this be?

 

Terrible contempt through shadows creep

Strangling sweetness, in twilight sleep…

 

© 2016 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

Image: Space Wallpaper: Swirl of Dust and Incandescence

HOLD ME

 

Does Mother Earth

Ever tire from her

Single parent role

Doing it all

Constantly impregnated

Fighting the seeping poisons

Raining down from Father Sky

Flooding up from her secret lover

Riptide-tossed Ocean

 

Exhausting days

As she craves

A protective cradling

Being held and hearing a deep voice

Whispering, All will be right

Rest with me

Healing words encouraging

Mother Earth’s protective aura

To radiate once again

Strengthening the soil’s largesse

Bringing sweetness to the smell of Wind

Cleansing the Waters and all dwelling in his domain

Receiving, once again, sky Fire’s passionate touch

But when?

 

© 2016 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

IMAGE: ·  qimmahrussoI’ll Be Your World You Be My Universe. (Pinterest)

HYPNAGOGIA

Sharing three in the morning

With you, but

Don’t know what zone

You’re in, or where

Wandering through the hall

Whales on the kitchen floor

Myopic stream of consciousness

Concludes

They are merely shadows

The detritus of sleeping disorders

Window A/C shakes sweating walls

Noise covering the thump of my

Crying-out-to-you pulse

Silently slowing

In its vacuum…

 

© Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

 

SO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT AUTISM IS LIKE?

 

(FOR AUTISM AWARENESS DAY APRIL 2)

Autism is standing still while

Everyone runs for the cliff edge

And you want to know why

Before joining them

But the surge pushes you down

And they thunder across your back

And you’re bloody but not broken

Because the rage keeps you sane

 

Autism is always being chosen

To be

The Cheese

In Farmer in the Dell

The Cheese stands alone

In the middle of the circle

As baby classmates point and sing

And you cry

But the next year you don’t cry

You will never let them break you

At least they won’t know

You care

 

Autism is getting it wrong when a boy flirts

Confusion from what he means

Interpreted by his ego

Thinking you’re indifferent

To his oh-so-obvious charms

And he hates you

 

Autism is being nice to a boy

Who seems like a friend

But not realizing

His ego cannot allow someone like you

To be kind

i.e., flirt (must be, he reasons)

And he hates you

For showing interest in his

Oh-so-obvious charms

 

Yet autism is like everyone else

Loving friends and movies

Books and games

Dreaming of being asked

To the prom

And buying a dress

To transform the lightning and thunder

Into rainbows of love, peace and happiness

 

Autism is loving sex and drugs and rock and roll

But luckily learning that drugs can take you

Where you don’t want to go

Because you can’t come back

But some nights you think

Maybe that’s not bad

What’s to come back to?

Only thunder and lightning and rain

 

Autism is when married

Choosing a dysfunctional like you

Yet he becomes an adversary

Family and friends roll their eyes

And laugh when he reveals your secrets

Meant only for him

It’s not like you’re barking like a dog

Or flapping your hands

Everything looks “normal”

But there must be some type of invisible mark

That all can see

Except me

 

What do they see?

What did I do?

What did I say?

 

Answers? No, so

Although I’ve never been a head banger

I want to badly butt

My head against theirs

Make them see

I’m like them

I am!

But I don’t know what to say

My tongue gets in the way

 

Children come

One is finally labeled

“Somewhat autistic”

What does that mean?

No information

Never heard the word before

No idea I am

We’re all so different

But children raised

In the offbeat way

AKA, autistic

And their lives

Get drenched in different shades of rain

Thunder, lightning

Mudslides

 

What is Autism?

 

Autism is traffic jams

Oncoming headlights in

A foggy, dark night

Thunder drowning out your heartbeat

Automobile stereo’s bass line ripping through your brain

 

Autism is thunder in your soul

As rain pours from your eyes

And lightning jerks your strings

 

Autism is knowing you are safest locked alone

In your room

Where no one can hurt you

But the curse is

Like everyone else

You crave society…

 

© 2016 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

IMAGE: zmescience.com

 

 

 

FEELING CRANKY TODAY…

 

This I-Am-A-Rock stuff

Gets really old, sometimes

Pretending loneliness is

Just being alone

A choice

Like Paul Simon

I’m empty and aching

But I do know why

Maybe it’s all the people

Hearing without listening

Strange how songs

That I learned as a teen

Still have monumental meaning to me

At this old age

The difference is

There was once a way to make it through

The devastation

Because an entire life path

Promised a dance

Down a dappled, mostly sunny road

The future so exciting if one were bold

But now

It’s the tunnel

Toward the light

Oh, better switch songbooks

And sing someone else’s words

Maybe

Just maybe

My crankiness

Dissatisfaction

Loneliness

Boredom

Dread of an impending birthday

Is merely  a form of

Senior Spring Fever…

 

© 2016 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

 

 

THOUGHTS OF LOVE LOST SURFACING AROUND V-DAY

 

Long ago on Valentine’s Day

You gave me a bouquet

Of organic carrots

 

“Live healthy, live long”

Although you never said

“I love you” in words

It was implicit in the gift

 

Then, nothing

“It’s just another day”

Is what I heard you say

(Can you hear the Beatles sing,

“So sad, so sad, sometimes she feels so sad”?)

So I left

So you made promises

So I returned

But you never said

“I love you”

In words or in gifts

Again…

 

© 2016 Clarissa Simmens (ViataMaja)

IMAGE: quickcrop.ie